Rules for surviving a shopping trip with six children

1. Take Button-Pusher son (AKA: child #4) to school for the whole day. He won't get into near as much trouble there which will provide him with a sense of accomplishment. So you're actually boosting his self-confidence by not taking him with you. Make sense?

2. Never, ever, skip rule #1.

3. Always check to see what kind of undergarments (i.e. diaper, pull-ups, big boy underwear) Tinkling Toddler (AKA: child #5) is wearing. If you do discover said son is wearing underwear and you have no change of clothes for him, don't panic. Simply start praising him for being such a big boy and remind him to tell you when he has to go.

4. Pray (really, really hard)

5. When Tinkler Boy gets "the look" during lunch, run him straight to the restroom, hurdle over other patrons if you must, but do not stop for any reason. You are on a very important mission.

6. Hesitate long enough during this mad dash to see if you are running your child into the Men's or Women's room. I neglected to verify our position today and didn't notice the urinal until we were on our way out...no wonder the "lady" in the next stall got so quiet while we were there.

7. In the stores, put I-Hate-Shopping daughter (AKA: child #3) in charge of toy-looking with You-Better-Not-Tinkle boy.

8. When Chatty-Cathy daughter (AKA: child #2) gets too talkative, send her on phantom searches. ("Honey, please go find me a pair of pink, size 6 long, blue jeans with a blue pocket, and animal print trim.") It keeps her busy.

9. Grumpy-'Til-I-Graduate daughter (AKA: child #1) can't be pleased, so don't even try. You'll just end up with headaches.

10. When child #3 brings Already-Tinkled boy to you from the toy section with very wet pants, you are then allowed to panic, but only for 30 seconds.

11. Walk Tinkle-Now-Running-Down-My-Leg-And-Into-My-Shoes boy to the kids' clearance section, grab a pair of shorts, send Grumpy to the front to buy them, send Chatty to the restroom with Tink (remind her to check the restroom signs first) to change his clothes, put Shopper-Hater in charge of the buggy, and you nurse (standing up, mind you) Sweet-Baby-Girl (AKA: child #6) who has now had all that she can take.

12. Try to wipe off the exacerbated look from your face and be friendly to the cashier who must comment on how full your hands are, and question how you do it. Smile convincingly when you tell her how much fun a large family is, even though you aren't feeling it right then.

13. Go home, put I-Really-Love-My-New-Shorts Boy and Sweet-Baby-Girl down for a nap. Give Grump, Chat, and Shop jobs that must be done right away.

14. Sit back, close your eyes, and dream of lying on a secluded beach somewhere while sipping a cold beverage.

15. After returning from your five minute vacation, remind yourself how wonderful it is that you have these children, how easy it is to laugh at yourself, and how truly lonely that secluded beach would be after those five minutes were up.

16. Plan your next shopping trip...kids and all.